Thursday, July 12, 2012

Milemarker #21

It is only now sinking in that I'm turning 21 tomorrow. Yes, it's my birthday in twenty-nine minutes according to my computer clock. I have had a wonderful couple of days full of food, work, fun, internship, laughter and memories. All of it really has been great but I reached the point earlier today that I just wanted some time alone.
I still don't truly get it and that's okay I guess but I just wanted a bit of time to process and think. Normally people consider twenty-one as the big age that you finally get to drink. For me that really isn't the biggest thing that this day marks for me. A lot of things are changing in my life all at once and it's terrifying and wonderful all at the same time.
Most people go off and live at college almost straight out of high-school. I'm going to be moving out possibly permanently in September. I say possibly permanently because I have no idea what is going to happen by the end of this coming winter internship. I'm nervous. I'll be living with people not only that I have never lived with or spent a lot of time with before but also are already best friends with each other. I'm not saying that it won't turn out wonderful. Hardly. It's just something I think about a bit.
I have high expectations for myself when it comes to supporting myself and there isn't a way for me to achieve them right now. That has and continues to bother me. I don't want to be a load on my parents or anyone else for that matter and my stubbornness in not asking for help can be less than helpful at times.
It probably stems from the feeling of weakness and consequently the need to appear a lot tougher than I feel I am. I often feel quite pathetic yet other people keep telling me that I'm pretty awesome. I still don't quite get it yet. I opened up to my mom finally. She said that the problem may lie in that I compare myself to others quite often. She said the fact that I don't work two jobs and take care of a gaggle of siblings is not something that is normal to compare yourself to. Neither is the fact that I don't work 60 hours a week and hang out with friends. I'm me and evidently that means that working 10-25 hours a week and doing a part time internship is really great despite me not paying for my own car insurance, phone bills, food, utilities or place of residence. Wow...This paragraph has gone on a bit. I guess it's because it's something that has been eating at me for a while and has only become more of a thing in my life recently.
I want to be perfect in my own eyes and that's just not how it works. It's a bummer right?
I could have done a lot worse. Other people around me have despite accomplishing the things I aspire to. They may be paying for all of their own expenses and be "mature" and independent; not a burden to anyone but then they get married young and then divorced or they get pregnant and then where are they at?
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. I'm sure you're thinking something like "gosh why is this chick so serious? It's her twenty-first birthday! Live a little!" I'm being serious because it's serious to me.
In order for things to move forward in my life things have to happen first that include my bit above. I also have to not worry about those things though because it just heaps a whole pile of stress on my shoulders.
Thankfully I have people who continue to encourage me. I'm very very thankful for the people in my life and how God has provided for me.

I've had an amazing birthday so far and it hasn't even begun. I look forward to the rest and all the years after.

Thanks for providing me an escape into my thoughts interwebz
-Melina Rose

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