My Day Today

This morning I wanted to just get in my truck and keep driving until I wasn't anymore. I felt like I didn't have anything to bring into life. I was discouraged and stressed about my quarter inch thick stack of Japanese homework and the final that I may or may not be taking tonight.
But I wanted to do my duty to the world. I wanted to appear okay. I wanted to keep my mom from crying because I told her she hurt my feelings. I didn't want anything to be my fault, yet I wanted to take care of what I knew was.
So I went to school. I chatted with my friends. I took my Japanese test and got into my truck again. I started driving home but decided to once again stop at the oriental market that I pass everyday that way. I didn't buy my usual banana milk. I didn't even by a coffee drink. I wanted something refreshing, something that would renew any energy I had left. The cool, simple liquid was refreshing and I felt just a tiny bit better.
But I didn't want to go home yet. I knew I needed something to get my head together. My thoughts were entirely too jumbled to accomplish anything quite yet. I found myself in my church parking lot. Maybe I would go for a walk. No, I needed to work on that pile of homework.
"Hey is it okay if I hang out in the sanctuary and just work on homework for a bit?" Our receptionist looked a little confused. "Sure but we leave at four."
I told her not to worry I would make sure to not be there that long and quietly went in. It was almost silent with no distractions. Only the small clinking noises and the sound of quiet movement could be heard from the lady cleaning up from a brunch or something that had taken place earlier.
I got three pages of homework done, consumed two chocolate cake-pops thanks to the lady and organized my entire Japanese folder. My spirits were a little higher.
I began driving home a little after three thirty pm. I still didn't really want to go home but I knew that I still had stuff to do.
But I saw a kid from our youthgroup walking along the side of the road. I knew it was kind of cold out. I knew he wasn't a jerk and I knew he doesn't drive. So I made a quick U-turn and pulled into a side street as he was about to cross. "Do you need a ride?"
"Yeah, that would be great."
So I drove him the opposite way I was going, to his house. He was pretty happy and I managed to keep the conversation going for once. It's not like he had a problem with that either though. He went inside and I headed home.
And it was then that I realized. I felt refreshed. No, it wasn't a magical "Oh, I'm so happy now and I can all these things lalalalala." I just knew somehow that I was stronger and I had been hanging out with my bestie all day long.
So thanks God for hanging out with me. I know you'll never leave me but I kinda feel like I lock myself away from you sometimes without even meaning to.
So, again tomorrow?

-MelinaRose

The Heart

There once was a heart. It was cracked, bruised and dry. It was kept in a metal box that sat on one end of a park bench that no one really sat on anymore.

The park was a little ways away from a school and any number of students could have paid attention to it. But they didn’t. They didn’t really give it a second glance as it sat there on its bench. A few had ventured towards it but changed their minds when they saw the large padlock on the front. It wasn’t actually locked, only jammed in a closed kind of position. The truth was that the girl who the heart belonged to didn’t have the key in the first place.

            Everyday she walked by the park on her way home from school and everyday there was someone sitting by her box. She never really noticed or paid attention to it. She didn’t want anyone to know it was her heart.

            Everyday he saw her walking by the park with her friends. They were always laughing and she was always smiling but there was no sparkle in her eyes.

            He had been there the day she had come running into the park, by herself, holding that box. The tears constantly rolled down her cheeks as she made her way. She finally fell to her knees in front of that bench, shoulders shaking from her sobs. He watched with a heavy heart as she opened the box and placed her heart inside it. It was since that day he had sat next to the metal box on the park bench, the quiet beating barely audible.

            One day, he pulled the box onto his lap and inserted a key into the lock. He turned it and heard a faint click as the jammed, partially closed lock fully opened. Setting it aside, he lifted the lid and looked in.

            Tears appeared at the edges of his eyes as he saw the full condition of the heart. It was in rough shape, covered by welts and bruises. Cracks marred the once smooth membrane and it was obvious that it was in desperate need of moisture. As his tears fell, the heart became softer. It was no longer dry, watered by his tears.

            It was at that moment that two feet appeared in front of him. He lifted his head to meet the girl’s slightly suspicious but vulnerable gaze.

            “May I take care of it?” he asked, gesturing to the heart in his lap.

            “Will you actually?” she replied, not trusting him.

            “I have been all along.” He returned her searching stare with one that radiated warmth and she slowly sat down next to him. Carefully, he set the box on her lap. “Why don’t you take it out?”

            The girl’s shoulders drooped slightly and hung her head before sitting up straight like she had forgotten she wasn’t allowed weakness and then was prodded back into resolute pain. “It’s safe there. Nothing can get in and hurt it.” She avoided eye contact, looking in the opposite direction.

            He smiled sadly and placed his hand gently over her small, cold one. She looked back, feeling the warmth envelop it.

            “Keeping your heart in this box only hurts it more. It won’t heal unless you take it out.”

            The girl tried to look away as she felt tears spring to her eyes but couldn’t. There was such warmth and kindness, true love, in his eyes.

            “Why isn’t it in there?” He pointed to her chest where it should have been.

            “It’s defective. It betrayed me.” Her voice cracked. “It isn’t to be trusted.” she whispered to no one in particular.

            “I can teach it. I can teach it to do the right things if you’ll let me.”

Steadfast

I will not say "Do not weep", for not all tears are an evil.
-Gandalf

And with that opening quote I will share with you a poem I wrote yesterday about an experience of mine. :)
It is to/about my daddy.


Steadfast

Steady heartbeat

Steady breath

My tears on your shirt

as I lean on your chest

I know you love me

and I love you

I feel safe

When I'm with you

 

-Melina Rose

I know I'm broken but You alone can mend this heart of mine.

 

I call, You hear me 
I've lost it all 
And it's more than I can bear 
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary 
I'm holding on 
But I feel like giving in 
But still You're with me

[chorus] 
And even though I'm walking 
Through the valley of the shadow 
I will hold tight to the hand of Him 
Whose love will comfort me 
And when all hope is gone 
And I've been wounded in the battle 
He is all the strength that I will ever need 
He will carry me

I know I'm broken 
But You alone 
Can mend this heart of mine 
You're always with me

[chorus] 
And even though I'm walking 
Through the valley of the shadow 
I will hold tight to the hand of Him 
Whose love will comfort me 
And when all hope is gone 
And I've been wounded in the battle 
He is all the strength that I will ever need 
He will carry me 
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely 
Like I have never been before 
You never said it would be easy 
But You said You'd see me through the storm

[chorus] 
And even though I'm walking 
Through the valley of the shadow 
I will hold tight to the hand of Him 
Whose love will comfort me 
And when all hope is gone 
And I've been wounded in my battle 
He is all the strength that I will ever need 
He will carry me 
He will carry me 
He will carry me

All I want is a hug....but please don't touch me.

 
I'm really sick of society shoving sex in my face.
I don't want to be thought of as an object and all I see is guys that view girls that way. I think I'm losing hope in humanity. I mean, I know there are good people out there, ones that are respectful and actually care about you instead of what you look like. But...
What happened to respect?
I'm sad that the norm seems to be that it's okay, even encouraged, to make dirty/offensive/invasive remarks to people and then that person is just expected to laugh or respond in the same way. People think you can't take a joke, or you're no fun, or you're "weird" if you don't.
Why can't people love anymore? Like really love.
Where are the ones that can?

Image by: Defies

Mornin

Hello there.
I'm here at school. When I don't need to be. Cause I don't have my 8am class today. But I thought I did. So.... I came. :P
I forgot I was writing this post when I got distracted by facebook. It's been an hour. I should get off of the computer. I'm going to go find some hot water and eat my oatmeal that I brought and drink my hot chocolate :P. Yum.
I have class at 1pm since I withdrew from chemistry, (more on that later) so I have a ton of time to do homework and just whatever. I might find those piano rooms they have here and play around. :) It would be good to do that.
First comes food!

I'm off interewebz,
-Melina Rose

Hugs

Happy
Under-accumulated
Great
Special


Okay so that was a fail acronym thingy but....mmm. I want a hug. I got one from Sephre earlier but man, I'm just kind of bumming right now...

Hugzzzzzz. Wanttttt.

Ugh. I just....I just really want to be in Minnesota right now. I need to support my friend and I feel so helpless. I'm going to see her for just a little bit this Tuesday before I fly out to California but....ugh. This coming week is going to be really hard. I'm already emotionally exaughsted and I haven't even hugged one of  my best friends who's dad just died or been to visit my grandpa who is dying soon.

Death. I seriously hate you. With a burning passion.

All I can feel is sad though. I can't even be mad...

:|

-Melina Rose

Angry Blogger is Angry

• General Idea of this post:
  Don't write dumb stuff on people's statuss that could make them feel bad and is negative.
• No matter who it is you don't know where that person is at and how it will affect them.
  Okay....so my facebook status was just "Bored." One of my friends commented she was bored too yeah blah blah blah. About an hour later someone comments on my status that only boring people get bored according to so and so. I was rather surprised at this passive aggressive insult and simply responded with ":o"
  
  
  Now, I may have a history with this woman's daughter but this woman is also a family friend. I really wasn't expecting this to come from her as I have always seen her as a kind person. 
  Not exactly helping my "trust no one" mentality...
  Soooooo here are some various quotes on kindness:
  Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
  It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. ~Author Unknown
  Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are. ~Author Unknown
  If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama
  Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it. ~Author Unknown
  Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not. ~Samuel Johnson
  When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel
  and finally what I set my status to:
  You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson  
  
  
  
  I don't like confrontation and there was no reason for one so I just picked the quote I thought least direct. I did become rather upset when I realized that this person had insulted my friend in the process of insulting me. 
  
  If you are going to insult me that is fine. Go ahead. 
  Don't you ever insult my friends. 
  *anger*
  
  
  Oh, interwebz, how lovely this life is is it not?
  
  -Melina Rose     

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary...

Independence day is coming up soon and after church tonight, it has me thinking about fighting for what we believe in.

When we see something not right do we fight against it? Do we stand up for what we believe in? Do we try to encourage the ones who are struggling?

This world has many things wrong in it and younger people today don't even realize it. They have it taught to them at a young age what our culture expects from them and what is "normal".
I have been reading on this site where people write anonymous letters to their crushes and some are really heartbreaking. Some are beautiful. Some are twisted.
There was one entry that really caught my eye though and I'm going to put it here.

I feel like the whole world is pressuring me into having my first relationship and falling in love and having sex and yet I am not interested in anyone and no one is interested in me so here I sit feeling dull and inadequate all because love and sex is all anyone can talk about and I'm sick of it because I can't empathize with any of it and no one can empathize with me.

I have always found it rather obvious that our culture focuses on this. I mean, you turn on the tv and it isn't even the shows you have to watch out for. The commercials are filled with it. Those subtle voices screaming at you, "Buy this and be beautiful." "If you look this way people will love you." "You need this product for people to accept you." The message off so many of these commercials are "If no one is coming on to you then you are worthless."
It really breaks my heart to see girls just 15 years old saying things like "I've never kissed anyone. Something must be wrong with me." NO!
You are beautiful! You are precious! You are favored by the King and someone will always love you.

Don't let this world tell you differently.

With love to all of you beautiful people out there (YES! YOU!)

-Melina Rose

Someday

Someday, in my made up future, I will wake up to the birds singing and the sunlight streaming through my window. Smiling, I will slip out from between my covers and stretch, fingers towards the ceiling, before walking into the kitchen. I will make myself a delicious, healthy, breakfast and eat it outside in the morning air. After putting the dishes away, getting dressed and pulling my hair back, I will go and sit down at my deep, black, grand piano and let all of my thoughts and feelings flow out of my fingertips until they echo in the air.
Maybe I will laugh, a smile on my face. Maybe I will cry, tears escaping with each note.
And after I'm done, and there is nothing left to be said, I will close that gorgeous piano back up. I will close the doors to the room where the emotions still hover thick in the air, and I will step into the breathtaking sunshine. Eyes closed, I will listen, waiting for your response.

-Melina Rose

I just miss you OK?!

Please watch in YouTube if you click play. It just is much better.

Yes, I realize my emotions are currently running rampant but I genuinely miss my Minnesotans.

I should go to bed....interwebz
Fighting.....

-Melina Rose

P.S. I'm having a blast with Sephre. I just have my moments. Don't judge.

Missing Minnesota...

I have no motivation to fill you in on what I did today really. 

I went for a walk today. I like taking walks; walks when it is sunny, windy, rainy, cold, snowy, mild. I like walks. They let me escape for a while. I don't have to talk to anyone or answer questions or tell people what I'm up to if I don't want to. I can just plug in my music and go.

Relevant lyric of the moment:

‎'Cause most things true

 
Are simple and complex 

 
So it is with You 

 
What else should I expect
 
-Caedmon's Call (Beautiful Mystery)

I guess the rest of the post is going to be in small type...cause it won't format....grr. It would...... *sigh* [Sorry]

Continuing onwards... 
I miss my Minnesotans very very much. I admit it. I was tearing up earlier. You see, today is Wednesday, and while I didn't realize it until this evening, it is important. Why is it important? It is important because I normally have youth group on Wednesday nights. I love the people there very much and it is killing me quietly to not be there right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still having a great time here but being alone at the very moment when I am normally surrounded by people who make me happy?....It's difficult to be happy.
I'm not trying to mope. Honestly I'm not. I just miss people. Is that a crime?
On the other hand, I'm gone for two months! I'll be back! I can't move back as soon as I leave! I miss you too okay? 
.....Quite a bit.

Did you know that a human being is supposed to have 3 hugs a day to survive? ......How am I alive? I feel I may have been forcing hugs on you Sephre :/ Sorry :) Let me know if you don't want them okay? 

I forgot to post this while I was still saddish interwebz
I'm betterish now :)


-Melina Rose

Not quite lonely...but kinda.

I'm back from lunch :)
I'm working on a short story for school. I figured out the main characters names. Yes, this is an important part for me. My characters names always have meaning. I guess it is one of my quirks but I really enjoy naming the characters in my story. I have two baby name books just for that purpose and I will always remember the look that cashier gave me when I bought my latest one. Hahaha.
Anyway.... I feel kind of lonely. I'm not sure why but *shrugs* that is how it is. None of my friends are online. I mean, yes, I need to be doing my homework but I miss me friends. I need to get caught up so I can visit Bob in New York. I miss you Bob!!
Well, I'm gonna ignore this feeling and work on school. Dwelling on it won't accomplish anything. Getting my homework done will.

Until later interwebz

-Melina Rose

I know you aren't dead. What happened?

Do you ever have somone that you like to talk to and suddenly you have no contact with them? I mean, they are active on facebook, youtube, and other sites but they don't respond to you. I am rather confused and really sad. I miss you Sephre. Where did you go?

Lately I have been feeling really listless and a little hopeless. I am still sick and randomly feel really tired yet when I should be sleeping I'm wide awake. I haven't been updating my other blog really. I don't find much reason to since the one who is supposed to look at it hasn't. I know people get busy but I haven't heard from them at all in more than a week. Sorry, I keep going back to that. It is bothering me right now.

I have written two more chapters of my story. It is totalling 11,183 words right now. Woo.
I'm really behind in two of my classes. They happen to be the important ones. *sigh* I need to get a large dose of motivation somehow. Does anyone have any for me? I'm so discouraged that I guess I just feel "why try?" I know that is wrong. I just need to kick myself into gear and get everything done.

I don't know interwebz

-Melina Rose