Hello... like the Adele song

I'm almost afraid to post here after being away for so long. I don't want to change this place that now looks like a scrapbook bursting full of old memories. Man, I used to write so much and so openly with such thorough (somewhat boring?) detail.

I miss this place, or maybe I miss all of the times I wrote here. It's been a long time, getting close to two years.

Should I start fresh?

So much has happened interwebz.....but at the same time so little.

-Melina Rose

Today (an update in list form)

Watched: "The Lakehouse" with my Dad
Ate for Dinner: Chicken Pesto microwave dinner
Drank: Forgot that Starbucks refreshers have caffiene so I drank two....and a shot of esspresso.
Working on: Generally? Getting my room to the way I want it
Texted: New nerd friend, Kenda, Jor and Sheep
Worked: 6 hours with a half hour break for dinner.
Nightmare last night: Yes. 
     Mari, Cheese and Mari's siblings were in it. Something about us trying to escape a hostile takeover involving poison gasses and explosions. We tried hiding in something like a train box-car off wheels with half of it solid wall and half bars.
Weather: Wind advisory was right on. Blizzard conditions because of blowing snow.
Told my parents I love them: Yes. At least 5 times.

Goodnight interwebz,
   Melina Rose

Making me new

So it's a new year. Hello 2014.

    I've been through a lot this past year and I've become a different person through all of it. I've grown through brokenness and lost sight of other things. I've lost people that I thought I would have forever but see them every week. I gained an identity that, admittedly I still falter in confidence of but I am better than I have ever been, even when a day's a struggle. People, pressure, and pet peeves all get to me but under all of that I have a wardrobe in a room that if I go through it, I end up in Narnia.
    I crawl out of the back of my stress (and the stress of the people around me) and breath the fresh air of things I now know. I am a princess, the child of a King. I am loved and never forgotten and somehow, just somehow, worthy of the love I receive. Other people may see a princess differently but I have come to know that they are not helpless or pathetic, stupid or useless. They have a powerful purpose. I might not know exactly what it is but sometimes I can bring other people to my Narnia. I hope they can see that they're royalty too, that they have worth and influence. We all have responsibilities but at least they are being used for something...even if we don't know exactly what that is.

I hope to write more this year interwebz.
Talk to you soon

-Melina Rose

Chasing a Dream

   In this country, we are all about freedom. I would pose a question to you though. What is freedom? We are told that we create ourselves, life is about finding ourselves and our happiness and in a sense this is true.

   True freedom can only come from one place, as much as we delude ourselves, even subconsciously, into believing otherwise.  I'm not saying that Christianity is all happiness and rainbows. What is an adventure without struggle? If you dream of something that you think will make you happy, don't you think that the creator of the world, the universe, can do better? Just as you would have to endure an 11 hour car ride to get somewhere different and exciting, we have to get through discomfort and changing surroundings to get to something new and better.

   John 8:36 
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (NIV)

2 Corinthians 3:17 
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (NIV)

Galatians 5:1 
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (NIV)

John 8:32 
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (NIV)

Stay free interwebz ^_^

Melina Rose

Unsent Tweets

This isn't high-school.
It's not about you.
Work ethic is a thing.
Let's be honest with each other instead of flip-flopping like a dying fish.
Don't read into everything I do.
Ask instead of assuming.

Don't be mad at me for not lying to you.
and for once...return the favor.

It's not me, it's you. Grow up.

Don't take this post personally interwebz. (refer to second sentence)
-Melina Rose

I know who I am without you

but it was a process.

"And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood"

I couldn't figure it out until I heard these lines. I couldn't understand why I even cared but it got me thinking. To those of you who move on quickly: Congrats. I'm glad you have the ability, really, but for those of us who let the veins of our heart reach out to root into another deeply, those now uprooted ends tickle the part of our subconscious that asks us if it ever was true, if it was abandoned so quickly. And behind every smile and laugh there is a distant nagging, poking and prodding of the part of our heart that is still sore from exercising that more rare strenuous love.

"And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do"

I'm not mad. I don't think I'm even hurt. These are simply things I've come to realize. The wound has healed but as with any injury, I guess it's still tender in spots. I had never put myself out that far, it's true and I haven't since. I'm not afraid of it; yet I am cautious. The whole thing introduced me to someone I wish I had met long ago. I met myself. There was only One who could ever bring myself and I together and this is just what it took. 

I found myself and I still am finding more pieces along this road. Only One knows how to keep me on the road and where it goes, and that, that is how it should be.

So there it is interwebz. There is a small peek into the inner parts of my heart.

Melina Rose

Lyrics by Missy Higgins [Where I Stood]

Because I didn't have a working pencil

So I went to a different church this morning and it was a refreshing change.
I also managed to bring a pencil that didn't work so this is everything I could keep in my brain to spill out to you.

   I knew that I had started slacking off in the back of my mind but the service really almost shoved it in my face. I know that doesn't sound nice and yeah, it wasn't all happy happy joy joy but it was what I needed.
   God always gives me what I need over what I want.
   I had heard and studied the topic of Jesus as our High Priest before so I wasn't expecting too much out of the sermon/word. That was wrong of me.
   I needed to be reminded exactly what Jesus did for me, that he knows my every thought, motivation and struggle and that He not only understands but He empathizes. Empathy is close to my heart and to hear that God empathizes with me over the things that hurt Him most really struck a chord.
   The pastor ended the word with a challenge. "What are you doing with the access you have to God?" He asked if you'd given up on things like pain that you had tried to forget or addictions that you felt defeated by. It was a quiet kind of powerful and I was reminded once again that it's not about me. That doesn't mean that God doesn't care about me. It means that I can't focus on my weaknesses because doing that means I'm focusing on myself and not the power of the King, what He did for me and what He continues to do.
I continue to struggle with the pain this life brings, the shame of the sin that I keep falling into and the fear of the future and I hadn't even completely realized it. Because of Christ, I don't have to struggle silently. I can bring anything to Him and do it with confidence and not fear because He loves me.


So I guess my challenge to you would be this.
Are you afraid to talk to God because you're too well aware of your shortcomings? Don't be. He longs to hear from you and work in your life. He loves you more than anyone else ever could and He'll never let you down, even if you don't understand what He's doing. Won't you show Him all your love too?


Maybe I'll get back to writing here interwebz

-Melina Rose

Changes

So, I realized that I have not told you quite a bit about anything in my life so here are some big things that have happened!

-I did a year internship with my church that ended this past May. It was intense and I have learned a lot about God, others, our church and myself. A lot of growth was spurred on by it and I know I am not the same person I was before.

-I had a boyfriend of sorts and now I don't.

-I have a new job! I have finally become employed as a barista and it brings me great joy.

-Hi...

750 words plus a bit more.

   I know I haven't posted anything here for almost a year or so but I have still been writing. Bits and pieces, here and there but still it has been happening. I was introduced to a website called 750 words. It's where you sit and write anything you want to, no one can see it, and you attempt 750 words a day. [Click here if you want ] It doesn't have to make sense. You can rant or rave; anything you want. It feels lovely. It's not just that though, it also tells you your words per minute, the mood of your writing, most used words, introversion versus extroversion and a lot more. Anyway, I thought I would share what I wrote this evening.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Work always rejuvenates me. I'm not even sure I can explain it.
    I'm home now; finished my shift from 3 to 9 and got off just as the sun was setting. It was beautiful. The pinks and purples were really visible as I was driving home and I was thankful that it's not storming tonight.
    I'm sitting on our porch in the lovely night air now. The three candles that aren't meant to get rid of bugs are on the outskirts of the deck and I have the one that is meant to get rid of insects closer to me. Crickets are chirping. Cars are driving by and all is peaceful in my land of dancing flame and tapping keys. Fireflies are out and if I look up the stars peek out from behind a patchy cloud cover. How wonderful it is to be outdoors.
    I've already drank my tea and slathered my legs with the coconut oil that makes my itchy red hives lessen their affect on my senses.
    Grandma just popped her head out and has left a beam of light on the wood where the curtain no longer covers the sliding glass doors. She informed me that she found the information she was looking for on Antrhopology and jobs associated with it. I'm trying to decide what to do with my life.
    Travel really catches my eye these days. I want to go everywhere. Venice, Japan, England, Scotland, South Korea, they all sound marvelous.
    I fear the light from inside may be attracting bugs. I'll be right back.
    I got more tea. I've reused this teabag three times but it still seems to be good. I don't think I had ever really looked up anthropology before. It might be interesting. I added some peppermind to my coconut oil slather. I've heard that bugs don't like peppermint. I see lighting in the sky. I hope it doesn't start to rain. I'm quite enjoying my time out here.
    I caught up with Grandma more. I felt I should make it really clear that I wasn't mad at her and I felt bad for how I've been while she's been here. You see, I've been positively exhausted and I haven't had any time to relax. This causes me to be practically silent and not very friendly. Headaches, muscle pains, fatigue and nausea all don't contribute to a good hostess. I'm glad that I was able to have the time with her tonight while I'm feeling well though.
    I bought a song on itunes today. I almost never buy music but this one has been stuck in my head for a long time. It's called Radioactive but it's actually a cover of it by an accapella group and a wonderful violinist. Quite epic in the end. I blasted it on my way home from work and sung my lungs out like a happy lunatic.
    Hmm. I feel the bugs have come out even more. I wonder if I should pack up and move to my room. It's just so lovely outside and I've stayed indoors most of the other lovely days this past week!
    I was going to work on my new story but I keep getting distracted. It's not too late, no. I wanted to write here and describe my evening. I don't write about myself much lately. I suppose that's good in a way.
    Do you think I'll become a successful writer? I mean, I am a writer but will I ever be published do you think? I wish the arts and creative things were more treasured in society. What if everyone had to have an art degree of sorts to have a succesful job? Business degrees don't seem to have an ounce of creativity built in. I don't think I could do it. Four years of technical writing, math and economics? No, I can't say I could do it. I wish the arts paid.
    I dream of a world where people were looked up to for expressing their true selves and exploring the world we live in to find more of it. There is so much to learn and so much to communicate. Why do creative people get written off while the mathematicians and scientists are labeled geniuses?
    Ah well, this is the world I live in. ' Better get used to it right?

HOURS WORKED: 6
SONG OF THE DAY: Radioactive
MEALS EATEN: One and a half or so
CUPS OF TEA: 3
MOOD: Satisfied

There it is interwebz,
Melina Rose

Finals Day

So.... I didn't study for my two finals today.

Thank God for coffee?

Do you ever feel like someone comes into your life and becomes a better friend to your friends and the people you're starting to be friends with than you? And it's not like you can be unhappy about it without feeling incredibly selfish and dumb. I feel so helpless to help the people I care about and yet there they are relying on you, running to say hi to you, hanging out with you. Honestly I'm happy you can help the people I care about. If they need help that I can't provide and you can, why would I want that withheld? It just hurts a bit. Actually more than a bit and I can't figure out why I don't just get over it.
I care too much.

Off [Jesus is Lord]

Tonight felt off.

I had high expectations for our youth-group meeting on Halloween night. I expected a powerful move of the spirit rebelling against the very reason of this holiday and it just didn't seem to happen.

Halloween isn't just kids dressing up in costumes and asking for candy. I personally love candy and jump at every opportunity to dress up. There's something darker behind it that a lot of people either don't realize or chose to ignore.

It has it roots in a Celtic Druid's holiday that celebrated a time supposedly neither in the current year nor the future one. Held in honor of the sun god and the god of death, the practices of this holiday were no pretty sight.

"The Druids believed that sins of the evil dead could be expiated through gifts and sacrifices to Sanheim, who had the power to decree in what form their existence would continue, as animals or humans. The sacrifices were grisly. Horses were burned, as they were sacred to the Sun God. Black cats, which were either friends of witches or transformed into witches themselves, were also thrown into the fire. But for Sanheim, Lord of the Dead, humans were sacrificed. Men were imprisoned in wicker and thatch cages built in the shapes of animals or giants, and put into the fire. By observing the way they died, the Druid priests saw and pronounced omens of the future."     -source

Obviously this holiday has a lot of spiritual activity associated with it. Unfortunately it is not spiritual activity in the sense that I (hopefully we) desire, but instead welcomes demonic activity and communicating with evil spirits.

Some people may make the argument that they celebrate All Saints Day which is a holiday that was developed by the Catholic church to celebrate....something. It was said that it was a day to recognize the work the saints in heaven were doing for those still in purgatory and those still on earth. In this way they "christianized" the holiday.
I do not believe that purgatory is Biblical and so this reason does not make everything okay to me. I also believe that we should be relying on God's power. His saints are not the ones we should pray to and we don't rely on them after they are gone but instead we should be focusing on Jesus Christ and His Heavenly Father who is ours as well. No one should be equaled with that power or attributed it.

One article I found says:

"Despite the Church's success in establishing a Christian foundation for the autumn celebrations, many of the ancient customs and traditions associated with them were still practiced by the population. The carving of gourds and the wearing of costumes and masks to scare away malevolent spirits are typical of the superstitions carried over from these celebrations into the All Hallows Eve observance. 

The custom of "trick-or-treating" has its origins in a ritual wherein the elders of a village or town would go from house to house and receive offerings of food and gifts for the souls of dead friends and relatives thought to visit on this night. This practice evolved during the Middle Ages, when beggars would travel from village to village and beg for "soul cakes". Villagers would offer prayers along with the cakes to those who had died in the past year for their transition to heaven."  -source

Most people have no idea where the traditions that go along with our modern-day Halloween come from and what they are encouraging by participating.
I'm not saying it's wrong to dress up and ask for candy but I would ask you, please understand what this holiday is about and think about it.

Ask God to work though you and use His power to cast out the darkness of this night. It might be after the time of trick-or-treating but I would ask you to consider praying.
Pray for your neighborhood, your friends, safety, the power of God, really anything you feel like, but just pray.

This isn't a panic post. I'm not freaking out. I'm not frightened or scared. I'm frustrated.

Have a blessed night  interwebs.

-Melina Rose

Music test

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Almost 2pm

Listening to: Concerto No. 21 in C Major for Piano and Orchestra performed by Finghin Collins composed by Mozart
Eating: Just finished eating a lunch of a tuna salad (and sour patch candycane)
Drinking: Had grocery store coffee drink with lunch and now drinking water
Working on: My systematic theology homework
Texting: Tortuga

1:49pm

Milemarker #21

It is only now sinking in that I'm turning 21 tomorrow. Yes, it's my birthday in twenty-nine minutes according to my computer clock. I have had a wonderful couple of days full of food, work, fun, internship, laughter and memories. All of it really has been great but I reached the point earlier today that I just wanted some time alone.
I still don't truly get it and that's okay I guess but I just wanted a bit of time to process and think. Normally people consider twenty-one as the big age that you finally get to drink. For me that really isn't the biggest thing that this day marks for me. A lot of things are changing in my life all at once and it's terrifying and wonderful all at the same time.
Most people go off and live at college almost straight out of high-school. I'm going to be moving out possibly permanently in September. I say possibly permanently because I have no idea what is going to happen by the end of this coming winter internship. I'm nervous. I'll be living with people not only that I have never lived with or spent a lot of time with before but also are already best friends with each other. I'm not saying that it won't turn out wonderful. Hardly. It's just something I think about a bit.
I have high expectations for myself when it comes to supporting myself and there isn't a way for me to achieve them right now. That has and continues to bother me. I don't want to be a load on my parents or anyone else for that matter and my stubbornness in not asking for help can be less than helpful at times.
It probably stems from the feeling of weakness and consequently the need to appear a lot tougher than I feel I am. I often feel quite pathetic yet other people keep telling me that I'm pretty awesome. I still don't quite get it yet. I opened up to my mom finally. She said that the problem may lie in that I compare myself to others quite often. She said the fact that I don't work two jobs and take care of a gaggle of siblings is not something that is normal to compare yourself to. Neither is the fact that I don't work 60 hours a week and hang out with friends. I'm me and evidently that means that working 10-25 hours a week and doing a part time internship is really great despite me not paying for my own car insurance, phone bills, food, utilities or place of residence. Wow...This paragraph has gone on a bit. I guess it's because it's something that has been eating at me for a while and has only become more of a thing in my life recently.
I want to be perfect in my own eyes and that's just not how it works. It's a bummer right?
I could have done a lot worse. Other people around me have despite accomplishing the things I aspire to. They may be paying for all of their own expenses and be "mature" and independent; not a burden to anyone but then they get married young and then divorced or they get pregnant and then where are they at?
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. I'm sure you're thinking something like "gosh why is this chick so serious? It's her twenty-first birthday! Live a little!" I'm being serious because it's serious to me.
In order for things to move forward in my life things have to happen first that include my bit above. I also have to not worry about those things though because it just heaps a whole pile of stress on my shoulders.
Thankfully I have people who continue to encourage me. I'm very very thankful for the people in my life and how God has provided for me.

I've had an amazing birthday so far and it hasn't even begun. I look forward to the rest and all the years after.

Thanks for providing me an escape into my thoughts interwebz
-Melina Rose

Currently (the short version)

Listening to: Take my Heart Away (Jake)
Eating: The last thing I ate was theater popcorn
Drinking: The last thing I drank was a caramel cooler from Caribou
Working on: Answering my Apologetics question
Texting: Tortuga

3:54pm

Creppeh

Last night I stayed over at Bob's house. We watched Say Yes to the Dress and Honey 2 before heading out to the camper to sleep. Her camper is right next to her house blocked in by the cars. It turns out that during the night someone came and walked/jumped on their oldest car and smashed it's windshield. The top of the car was also dented quite a bit and there was a distinct trail of footprints on the car itself.  That car was about a yard away from where I was sleeping. In a cloth enclosure. Asleep. While someone was doing this.
A tad creepy when you think about it.
Anyway, I hung out with her a little bit more while her mom and sister talked to the police and then went home when she left for work. Mom and I watched My Fair Wedding while we ate lunch. We've loved watching that show ever since we found out about it a year or two ago. I had an apple with almond butter while she had a toast pizza and soup. I suppose I should eat more since I didn't have breakfast either.
She's gone upstairs and I'll go up as well soon I suppose. The cleaning must happen again.

I'll see ya later interwebz
-Melina Rose

Angels Must Smile

Today has been a kind of off day from the beginning. I'm not saying anything was wrong; not at all. I was just really tired all day and I guess kind of negative without even truly realizing it.
I had stayed over at Sheep's house last night after Toucan's going away party. We stayed up pretty late and felt terrible when we ordered pizza delivery 10 minutes before Domino's closed. We gave a good tip but the guy looked more tired than anything. After the pizza had been consumed, the rest of the people who weren't staying over left and Sheep and I went upstairs to sleep. We ended up talking until we did in fact actually fall asleep. It was a good bit past 2am at that point.
I got up around 9am to drive back home. Dad made us both ground beef and cheese omelets and toast. We watched two Dr. Who episodes while eating to catch me up to where they were. After finishing, Dad and I hopped in the car and drove to the farm where we get our milk and cheese from. I was super sleepy but JungleJam kept me awake with the fun songs sung by talking animals. Oh childhood, wherefore art thou oh childhood. :P Anyway,  we got to the farm and purchased the milk and cheese. We went over to visit the bunnies since my parents had seen them last time but I hadn't. There are three there at the farm. A boy bunny who has floppy ears and brown and grey fur. He was the least shy. Beneath him in another cage was a dark grey and white bunny with dark floppy ears. She seemed to appreciate the petting I gave her but still was a little jumpy. She reminded me of my rabbit which made me a little sad. The bunny beneath her was a light brown and white, also with floppy ears. She was the most shy of the three.
We left after telling some of the people there that we took the last of the milk in the fridge. I ate a bit of "Munster with green olives" cheese and then slipped into sleep pretty quickly. We arrived home and I went downstairs to get a massage. (We are very blessed with our own massage bed.) I half stumbled upstairs and climbed into my bed to pass out. Mom woke me up telling me Dad had made food. :) He's pretty awesome. (so is she) I ate a garlic/hamburger toast pizza and then rode my bike for around 25 minutes. I don't know how I managed it but it was uphill and into the wind both ways...funny. I felt gross when I got back so I quick cleaned up and then hurried off to work.
Work was fine for the most part. There were a few things that bothered me that weren't that huge of a deal looking back at them now. All I wanted was to go to bed. Going on break helped a bit. Food always seems to help. I had coffee with break as well. I pushed away my self consciousness enough to text a close friend to ask for a bit of prayer. I'm glad I did.
Work went better after that for the most part. I realized I was shaking though and procured permission to purchase sustenance :P Aka...I bought cheese-curds. I stopped shaking after eating the majority of them. I still got my work done during that time as well.
I got off pretty fast I suppose. There were a lot of people there to take care of things tonight. I came home and have been talking/texting and writing this post as well as looking at various things and listening to spotify. I'm going to sleep now though interwebz. It is much too late for me to be awake. (3:09am)
Should be interesting trying to fundraise all my money for the MS150 tomorrow being half asleep. I can't say I wasn't warned. Dad did encourage/tell me to go to sleep when he did.
I will need coffee...

Okay interwebz, goodnight.
-Melina Rose

P.S. I shall explain the title here when I edit it in later.I'm about to fall asleep now.

Once I get out of bed...

Ello,

Today I'm meeting up with Bree to go to her school with her. Thankfully this will be prefaced by the procuring of coffee. I've never been to her school and I barely ever get any time with her without WnN being there so I'm looking forward to it.
After that I'll come back home and get ready for work. I work 4-c. Should be fun... I have stopped checking the schedule to see who I work with. I figure if it's people that don't work hard then I'll deal with it when I get there instead of giving myself a bad attitude about it ahead of time.
I need to get out of bed and get ready for the day though and then head over to Bree's.

See ya interwebz!

-MelinaRose

Wednesday notes on worship

Worship is not for us yet we need it.

Hebrews 11:1-6
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for.
³ By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
⁴ By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.
⁵ By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”^[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. ⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

We can do good things and sing songs but not be worshiping. We need the intention.


Hebrews 11:7, 8
⁷ By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.
⁸ By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

Worship is made up of three main things.
Sacrifice
Pursuit
Obedience







Anyone can be a worship leader any day of their life. You are whether you want to be or not, so how many times have you led people the wrong way?



Hebrews 11:32-38
³² And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, ³³ who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, ³⁴ quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. ³⁵ Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. ³⁶ Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. ³⁷ They were put to death by stoning;^[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— ³⁸ the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

Does that deter you from worship? We don't worship for us. We do it for Him.


Hebrews 11:39-40
³⁹ These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, ⁴⁰ since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. 

It's not about what God can do for us.
Faith will lead to worship, while worship will strengthen our faith.